Stick or twist?

Sometimes it is fine to be supine

But it starts to feel flat when you become a door mat.

Bending and bowing,

Swooping and swaying,

Never really saying what you are thinking,

Only remain unblinkingly subservient to their every whim.

Convinced they will one day change

But they never do.

They never learn.

You don’t want to burn any bridges but you yearn for compromise.

An equal pairing, a bit of sharing, something to show there is mutual caring,

Not scaring you into a friendship with the threat it may end.

Just simply be reciprocal, be a friend.

Maybe they never were or maybe they were never what you expected them to be?

Who is to blame: the one who commits the act or the one that condones it?

All I know, is you’ve out-grown it.

Stick or twist.

I say twist.

You can always deal again.

Or use another deck. 

What was I worried about again?

Sometimes I worry and stress.

My worries are trapped in my head – bouncing and duplicating and increasing in size.

Filling my brain, over-firing my synapses

Then I remember that this is only the now and not tomorrow.

Present problems are tomorrow’s hindsight.

You’ll be laughing about it in a day, week, month.

Zoom back in my head and it is suddenly lighter.

Context gives me focus.

What was I worried about again?

Confidence

Sometimes there is nothing quite like that feeling of having courage in your convictions. It’s not hubris or arrogance in one’s own abilities but knowing that you are competent and that there is nothing wrong to be aware of this (well I don’t think so). So often we receive damning appraisals of our work or efforts and constantly feel we have to improve and adjust, and that no matter how hard we try, it’s not quite good enough. There is nothing wrong with a bit of a struggle and working towards a goal, we all need to put in some graft on occasions. However, I like that feeling when you can stop for 5 minutes and not have to exert any energy; you are content at cruising at your current speed and know that everything is in control for a while.

I found a few quotes about confidence, which I think complement my blog quite nicely and hopefully will make you feel a bit more confident about yourself.

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.

-- Lao Tzu

Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.

-- Vince Lombardi

He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.

-- B.C. Forbes

If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started.

Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks in great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself.

-- Marcus Tullius Cicero

Besides pride, loyalty, discipline, heart, and mind, confidence is the key to all the locks.

-- Joe Paterno

Rest is best

They say a change is as good as a rest

but I think rest is best. 

Not a sleep but a long relax

to ease your bones and kick your feet back. 

Feeling no guilt at doing nothing,

Starting to lilt at the thought of nothing.

Battery bars are recharging one-by-one,

Waiting for *ping* -  you're fully done.

Restored, repaired, revitalised, renewed, reloaded, rejuvenated, 

Elated. 

More important than remembering the benefits of your recuperation,

is to remind yourself of the actions that led to your deterioration. 

 

Sleep

Sleep: the seductress of the unconscious, pulling me from wakefulness.

She is like a spell,

so enchanting.

I can’t help but succumb

to her passive oblivion.

She pulls at my eyelids

Heavy, heavy, heavier.

She slows my breathing to a 6/8 tempo

In-ha-le, ex-ha-le, in-ha-le, ex-ha-le

My core is snug and warm

Cosy in her embrace.

My limbs drop to the ground

Dragged by gravity.

My mind drifts, lifts,

And shifts into dream mode.

Peaceful.

Rested.

The doors close in on the conscious world.

It may be day time but she says it is the right time.

Don’t be annoyed, I can’t help it.

I tried to resist but she is so inviting.

Maybe she thought you weren’t exciting.

Just leave me be for 40 winks.

And then I’ll be out of this catatonic clink.

  

Declined

Decline: A polite refusal; to bend downward, slope or deteriorate = dead end

Cut off the dead end and make a menz.

One door closes and another one opens. You peek in the window and it was boring anyway.

Do not deteriorate, simply ameliorate.

One idea crumbles but do not fret,

Use that idea to create a step,

A step to higher and greater things that will bring you more prospects, or is just more fun.

Turn that old frown upside down and find the silver lining.

Just have a gaze and you will be amazed that those clouds can be blinding.

You suddenly remember you were disappointed and realise how insignificant it was.

In the context of life, it was not even a molecule.

You are almost embarrassed that you were so upset. The temporary low is now a permanent high.

Smiling. That’s better.  

A little bit of hard work didn't do any harm...

What is wrong with planning and having contingencies? Why do people have to own or buy things instantly? (This blog will contradict previous posts, so please excuse the diversion). However much I think we should ‘carpe diem’ why can we not plan and wait? Want happened to being patient? Thanks to information being at our fingertips and children on the excess 80s growing-up, a lot of people feel they are ‘owed’ certain items and they should have them instantly.

None of us in truth ‘deserve’ anything and I can certainly say I’m not hard-done-by, compared to some people in the world. I’m not saying life should be a struggle but I think we all need to learn that working hard to achieve or gain something is no bad thing and shows your mettle!  

Here are some quotes about the value of hard work, which I think are quite inspiring:

He that would have the fruit must climb the tree.

-- Dr. Thomas Fuller (1608 – 1661)

The dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.

-- Vincent ‘Vince’ Lombardi (1913 – 1970)

The highest reward for man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it.

-- John Ruskin (1819 – 1900)

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

-- Sam Ewing (born 1949)

   Former Professional Baseball Player

I am as lazy as the next person but I know that I feel better when I gain something because I have made an effort into attaining whatever ‘it’ is. Waiting and working for certain things may also make you re-evaluate your priorities and how desperately you need/want something.

I’ll cease the preaching now….

Work

Bored, bored, turning into cardboard –

bland and unassuming and compliant.

I try to remain defiant

but that is usually reliant on my interest.

Which is waning yet complaining.

Deskilled, unthrilled and slowly killing my mind.

My work rarely inspires and constantly conspires

in the pursuit to add me to the daily grind.

Typing is so vacuous when you remain anonymous.

Until

There is someone to blame.

Lame.  

Stevie Smith

I have been recently trying to find a poem by Stevie Smith that recited for a drama exam I did years ago and I have now found it.

There are two curious things about this poem and Stevie Smith in general: 1) this poem totally describes a relationship I was in but I learnt the poem before I was in that situation. 2) I now realise that a lot of my poetry is in her style (although not half as good).

Nor We of Her to Him

He said no word of her to us
Nor we of her to him,
But oh it saddened us to see
How wan he grew and thin.
We said: she eats him day and night
And draws the blood from him,
We did not know but said we thought
This was why he grew thin.

One day we called and rang the bell,
No answer came within,
We said: She must have took him off
To the forest old and grim,
It has fell out, we said, that she
Eats him in forest grim,
And how can we help him being eaten
Up in forests grim?

It is a restless time we spend,
We have no help from him,
We walk about and go to bed,
It is no help to him.
Sometimes we shake our heads and say
It might have better been
If he had spoke of us to her
Or we of her to him.
Which makes us feel helpful, until
The silence comes again.

Stevie Smith

Back to school

Even though we are experiencing a short Indian summer, there is no doubt that the weather is slowly becoming autumnal or as I like to call it, ‘Back to School’ weather. I did really enjoy school but the fresh and dimmer mornings brings back a slight feeling of sadness that the summer is over and a depression that the nights are going to draw in and would be filled with homework. (Fortunately, I do not have to do much if any homework now, as my work is never that interesting or demanding).  

Thanks to Northern hemisphere schooling, I subconsciously think the year commences in September and ends in July (with August being outside of time). And with new years come new beginnings, so the start of school was also an exciting time, as you bought brand new stationery, had a new timetable and generally did not know what to expect in the forthcoming months. It was a time to start afresh, forget about last term and concentrate on the present. It is odd how we do not apply this to life after education and in our adult lives. Many people will think in these reflective tones around Christmas and New Year but being a contrary sort, I leave that to popular thinking and instead do my reflecting now.

Maybe we would all be healthier if we did not think of life as one endless continuum to our deathbed but divide it in years, like school. And like school, you can end on a high with a summer holiday (and a few breaks in between) as a reward for the past 11 months. Wouldn’t that be nice!

I’m now just going to have a little search on last minute holidays, just for research of course….

Apathy

I am so dispirited today that all I can manage are quotes about apathy.

I hope you like my selection.

Apathy can be overcome by enthusiasm, and enthusiasm can only be aroused by two things: first, an ideal, with takes the imagination by storm, and second, a definite intelligible plan for carrying that ideal into practice. 

-- Arnold J. Toynbee

Apathy is a sort of living oblivion.

-- Horace Greeley

Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.

-- Arthur Gordon

It's enthusiasm, not apathy, that makes the world go 'round.

-- Tony Alessandra, Charisma

I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t make any difference!

-- Jack Kerouac

It's all relative

2 months ago, if you had told me that my car was going to break down to an irreparable state, I would have had some sort of apoplectic fit. However, in relation to other news I have recently heard, it is a minor inconvenience. It is sobering how horrible stories can give your life total perspective and really adjust your point of view. So often I and others seem to place so much importance on something, which is the grand scheme of things, does not really matter. Cars, phones, clothes can all be replaced but losing a loved one or missed opportunity will always leave a dent.

Maybe life has to be contextualised, so bad events have to happen in order for us to recognise how different aspects relate to each other? Only when I am full of mucus and constantly blowing my nose do I really want to be well again and forget how precious my health is.

Looking at all the people and positives in your life makes you appreciate how fortunate you are and the difficulties others face. I definitely have my bad days and life does not always go to plan but I would like to think that my mettle will help me through and I won’t dwell on the negatives. As I have said before, focusing on the negatives in life is so draining and taking more of a positive approach lifts unnecessary strains off your shoulders.

To finish, I found this little quote which I thought was very true and would lighten the blog a bit:

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.
--Reba McEntire

A little ditty

Reading is my lifeblood,

Thinking makes my head thud.

Brain expanding,

Thoughts are landing right inside my mind.

I do not understand those

Who are not interested in prose,

Or articles and poetry or something of that kind.

Isn’t it just grand

When an idea comes to hand

And you realise that you espied

Something thought before.

Maybe it is just me

That these thoughts come readily?

I can only hope

This rhyme I wrote

Made you think a little more. 

Race for Life

When I first entered Race for Life with some of my friends, I did not anticipate encountering such a variety of emotions. I agreed to run 5km as I knew it would be far easier than the 10km I ran last year for charity and it was something to train towards. I readily admit that because of this, I did not train as thoroughly as I had done the previous year but I took it all seriously nonetheless.

So on Sunday, we walked to the common to be confronted with a sea of pink of every shade imaginable: t-shirts, hats, costumes, all in pink. Another overwhelming factor was seeing a crowd consisting of mainly women, both young and old alike. I felt quite proud of my fellow womenfolk and that so many of us had managed to raise some money towards Cancer Research.

As time wore on, adrenaline started to creep up and everyone was raring to walk, jog or run around the course in the blazing sunshine. I plug my iShuffle on and started to jog around the course thinking I would just zone out for the duration of the run. However, I instead was staring at people’s backs and reading who they had dedicated the race to – mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, children, friends, they were all listed. Everyone running had been indirectly or directly affected by cancer. I could not believe the extended grasp that cancer has on us. A horrible disease that is innate in us all in varying degrees that can suddenly activate for no real reason. It saddened me to realise this but at the same time, I was consoled that so many people are helping to find a cure or at least lessen the risk of anyone dying from cancer.

I was also so touched by everyone watching and cheering us on. There was an element of satisfaction too: it was a bunch of women running this race and all the gents had to be the spectators.

I finished the race in a good time, which was pleasing but seemed inconsequential considering all the dedications I had read on my route.

Needless to say at the finish line my face was a rosy shade of pink – a fitting tribute I think. 

Going back on an earlier theme

One of my more rousing blogs focused on the idea of embracing your past experiences, living for the moment and taking more risks (mantras for the past, present and future). Just because the thought dawned on me, I wanted to rehash some of the past experiences section.

I sat at my office the other day looking at CVs for internship candidates. The candidates had at least a degree and some had a master’s in the related field and were all vying for a 9 month placement. Part of me felt utterly inadequate to these people, as I only have a degree from a less established university and I was slightly humbled at the ridiculous standards graduates have to attain to get even an internship. I then took a mental step back and realised that these graduates are very different to me and my circumstances. This internship is simply a stepping stone on to another job, which they will undoubtedly achieve and even when I was a graduate I did not land into a job (not that I had any idea what I wanted) and it was not as easy for me either.

My envy for these graduates soon turned into sympathy: they have not had the work experiences I have had and are going into a career I would not dream of doing (as it is dreadfully dull). I may lament my egregious work life from time to time but I have come to realise that it has actually been a valuable journey. I have encountered so many different environments, people and cultures that nothing fazes me. A job is not a precious thing to me, yes, it is my source of income but it does not define me. Work funds my ‘real’ life i.e. outside of work hours, and if you were to remove work from my life, I would still have something to show. I pity those who feel so beholden to a job that they have nothing outside of that realm and feel they cannot escape.

I want my epitaph to read I had lots of interesting experiences, met loads of people and lived life to the full, and not that I slaved away in an office and was a total bore (well, I hope no one thinks I am boring!).

If your life was an equation, would you want it to equal zero or one million? I know what I would choose! 

Late

5 more minutes.....turns into 10.....turns into 15.....turns into oversleeping.

Rush, rush, rushing.
Wash, clothes on, stuff cereal down my throat, burn my mouth on tea.
Rush, rush, rushing.
Jog to the station, bustle on the overground that chugs along…..
Rush, rush, rushing.
Shin-burner to the underground, descend with a wave of commuters into the mouth of dusty tubes.
Rush, rush, rushing.
Squashed like sardines on the third attempt, hot and bothered, armpits in my face.
Rush, rush, rushing.
Burst out onto the carriage, up the escalators, beep my card, power walk the streets, jay-walk the lights, in the building, at my desk

10 minutes late.

Up before the alarm after a well-rested slumber.

Wash and dress at my leisure.

Breakfast is a pleasure.

Stroll to the station and get a seat.

The tubes are minus delays and extra commuters.

Walk to the building fully content; I know I’m on time.

I’m still 10 minutes late. 

The 'dreaded' 3-0

Why is everyone more concerned about the fact I am going to turn 30 in 6 months than I am? Conventionally, one is meant to achieve certain ‘milestones’ by the time they reach 30 years i.e. climb up the career ladder, buy a house, get married, start to think about/have children. But was this not more relevant when there were more traditional set-up and our life expectancy was shorter? A women’s biology has not changed in the same time, and I am conscious that every month my eggs are ever-depleting but should that push me to make rash and forced choices about my life? Can one small eventuality dictate all other aspects of my life?

I am happily still living with my parents, seeing my boyfriend when I can. I have a lot of freedom thanks to this arrangement and able to save in the process – surely that is a perfect situation? Should I change that situation and move out of home and be in unnecessary debt just so I am able to say I have completed part of the social checklist before I enter my thirties? I know I am going to eventually move out, get married and have children but I will do it in my own time, not because I reach a certain age. Why should we be governed by something as arbitrary as age? Should I not be governed by my sense of happiness and personal fulfilment? That would be a much clearer indicator as to when I am ready to change a facet of my life, not my date of birth.

I don’t look my age, I don’t act my age, so why should I ‘be’ my age. If you have apprehensions about entering your thirties, fine, but don’t transfer them on to me!

I’m following Mark Twain’s sentiments:

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Here, here! 

Memories

A little thought that I once had

got washed up in the sands of time.

Fossilised and forgotten.

A funny feeling I once felt

floated and drifted away,

Until I couldn’t see it anymore.

The thought buried under sediments, the feeling too far to remember.

One day my synapse accidentally fired an old track and dug up that fossil.

Ancient but perfectly preserved and I’m transported back in time. Why did I forget you?

More old-new tracks are fired, forming the binoculars of the past until, look, the feeling, I see the feeling.

I remember the feeling and why I left you faraway.

Reminiscing, ruminating, recollecting, recalling, reflecting.

Pondering pensively.

Musing mindfully.

Always thinking. 

Pride

Is it so wrong to feel proud of your achievements and your life? I appreciate in its more extreme and negative form, pride is known as hubris and is considered by some as the deadliest of the seven sins. I agree, an inflated sense of self and your achievements is a bad trait but I think we are so worried about appearing arrogant that we don't merit deserved achievements!

This all goes back to my 'positive thinking' theme (which I will get over with soon, I promise) but it is true we should recognise when we and others have done a good job. There is nothing worse than a jaded nobody dampening your mood (you don't want a deadly sin battle between envy and pride); our culture has a default mode of belittling others to elevate our own egos. Apart from that being dreadfully dull and depressing, it doesn't encourage people to be creative just bitter. 

I'm proud of myself, particularly at starting the weekly blogs. I may be one of many that adds to the cyber junk but it makes me happy!

It's good to talk

For the majority of my life, I have remained pretty stoic when it comes to my feelings and I have been reluctant to seek advice from others. I suppose this is a typical British ‘stiff upper lip’ and admitting any fallibility is an indication of weaknesses. (In the spirit of the Diamond Jubilee, I am very proud to be British; although not to the extent of standing by the banks of the Thames in the rain to watch a flotilla of barges and boats). However, I have realised that admitting your foibles is not a weakness but a strength!

When you confide in friends, you discover that they have the same stresses and worries as you do, and in a strange schadenfreude way it is reassuring to know that someone else is experiencing the same thing as you. Discussing your problems not only means you have to confront them but verbalising them often makes them more palatable. I thought I was alone in my apprehensions about the future and what I want to ‘do’ with my life but I since realising this is a common anxiety amongst my peers, I have become much more relaxed. There is no certainty about your path in life but there is nothing wrong with taking a different course or admitting that something did not perhaps work out as planned, or that you do not even have a plan!

So if there is something on your mind, talk to someone about it or just talk to someone anyway. I guarantee you will feel much better and even if that person cannot solve your particular issue, at least you would have had a temporary distraction from it.

The quote below is a tenuous link to my blog today but I wanted to post it anyway because I like it:  

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Tennyson

In Memoriam A.H.H, 1849

Inspiration

Inspiration – where does it come from?

In a thought? In a word?

Or a thought of a word.

Inspirations.

Are they spontaneous or have they build up

and accumulated and mutated and formed over a number of days until they finally

Burst forth into your mind and perpetuate to create more reveries and actions?

Or

Are

They

A

Singular

Event

Idiosyncratic

To

The

End?

Funny ha, ha and funny peculiar at how my head is a jumble of inspirational fireworks momentarily dazzling but forever burning.

Inspiration is inspiration and its origins are of no consequence because the outcome outweighs the process.

You can see the process of my head but it will now inspire you to think of your own process- I hope.

Today’s inspirings: Idoneous not indolent.   

No regrets

Recently I have been thinking about the choices I have made (or not) in my life up until now and the main theme that keeps occurring is the wish to have seized the day and taken more risks. I long to travel back in time and tell my 18 year old self what happens when you are apathetic to your future and that you should trust in your instincts. More importantly, I would tell my younger self to have confidence in my convictions and there is nothing wrong with failure. We should not be burdened with the anxiety of ‘what ifs’ but inspired by the thoughts of ‘why not?’

Remember when you were very young and the world seemed such an enormous place with endless possibilities and opportunities? Why does that reality change with age? Because we believe it to be so; we believe that they are just silly fantasies not fit for a ‘grown-up’ world. It strikes me of someone who is bitter and because things did not quite turn out the way they wanted; they dampen everyone else’s daydreams and we become envious of people who do live out their dreams, instead of happy for their success.

Being so negative and fatalistic is quite frankly boring and draining. I would encourage my younger self to be positive and not fully embrace the British culture of cynicism – it may be vogue but it is not healthy. Self-prophesising pessimism may make you right but it does not make you happy.

I would hope by coaching myself (and not freaking me out with my time travelling abilities) would give me the benefit of hindsight and help me carve a more fulfilling path. Yes, I have learnt a lot in those years but it would be have been a lot easier if I was not shrouded in self-doubt and little self-worth. I would add that life has not been all bad and there are certainly wrong paths I have taken which have lead me to the right people. There is no way for accounting or preparing for every eventuality, so do not try to - what a freeing thought! 

My lasting thought would be this: 

Only regret the things you have not done rather than the things you have done: you cannot make up for lost time but you can always apologise! (Not a mantra for the criminally-minded though). 

I hope I have inspired you all to think about your dreams and passions, even for five minutes.

Carpe diem!